I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
