We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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