he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
