you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
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just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
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Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.