My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend