Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...