bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
