That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
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She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
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I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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