I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
