I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
