Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
