When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think pants incapable of making pants work
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
