Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
