Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Randomize
