The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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