I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
