Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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