whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
