i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
