im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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