My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
