i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
