One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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