Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
