i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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