It's like a parade of train wrecks.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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