You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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