the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
