I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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