you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
