I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
