the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
