remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
