I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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