Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
