I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
