SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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