and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
