Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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