You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Randomize
