I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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