Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
