Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
