I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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