i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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