the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club