The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.