You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
