Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
