I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
