I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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