You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
