Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
