I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I wear drunk well.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
