my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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