Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
