This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
