WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
