i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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