oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
