I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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