Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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