Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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