sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
